So I’ve been trying to self-publish a little business guide–no biggie. Or so I thought. After months of circumnavigating the dark and murky LuLu.com printing process, I have finally reached a decisive dead end. It wasn’t the outdated help files that don’t correspond to what you’re actually looking at on the screen. It wasn’t the complete absence of necessary steps needed to complete the distribution process. It was this, an email from LuLu politely telling its customers to just EFF right off, thank you. Having difficulties with any part of their “service”? Well, too damn bad. LuLu is no longer offering support. But of course they’ll gladly still take your money.
My last email to the support department took about a week to receive an answer. However, my last email received an answer lightning quick. Here’s what I got:
Dear Customer,
Thank you for your letter. We value your opinions and want to assist you with any questions or issues you have regarding Lulu and Lulu’s services. Your feedback has told us that our current system is not effective enough to provide you with quality support. In an effort to streamline our support services and respond to your issues more efficiently, we are discontinuing the use of this email address, and have implemented a new support system that uses online Support Forms instead.
IF YOU ALREADY HAVE AN OPEN SUPPORT TICKET in our system, please submit a new Support Form, and include your Existing Ticket ID on that Form.
The Existing Ticket ID is the LTK###########X number found in the subject, or body of your previously received email.
Please use the link below to create a new Support Form.
http://www.lulu.com/help/email_support.php
Please choose a Support Form that closely resembles the problem you are having. In order for us to continue working on your existing ticket, you must include an Existing Ticket ID on that Form. This will help us to continue working on your existing support ticket from its place in the prior system.
Please visit our Help pages for helpful information regarding the Lulu processes. If you are unable to find the answer you need there please submit your request through our Support forms, http://www.lulu.com/help/email_support.php. The forms enable us to route your issue to the correct team for efficient resolution.
We apologize for the inconvenience. The following email addresses are no longer manned or responded to by Lulu Support.
orders@lulu.com
remission@lulu.com
royalties@lulu.com
distro@lulu.com
amazon-mktuk@lulu.com
royalty-taxes@lulu.com
ukorders@lulu.com
retailprice@lulu.com
sspromanual@lulu.com
deutschesPBY@lulu.com
PBYnederland@lulu.com
servicessupport@lulu.com
luluservices@lulu.com
ukpby@lulu.com
colorquality@lulu.com
artfailure@lulu.com
service-convert@lulu.com
spamwarning@lulu.com
assistenza@lulu.com
ayuda@lulu.com
aide@lulu.com
kundendienst@lulu.com
klantendienst@lulu.com
legaldeposit@lulu.com
marketme@lulu.com
spinespecs@lulu.com
pubeasy@lulu.com
google@lulu.com
PCN@lulu.com
pricingquestions@lulu.com
serviceemails@lulu.com
prezzi_stampa@lulu.com
questions-tarifs@lulu.com
nieuwetarieven@lulu.com
neuepreise@lulu.com
preguntasprecios@lulu.com
distroservices@lulu.com
support_portal@lulu.com
luluservicesuk@lulu.com
digest@poetry.com
liveperson@lulu.com
Thank you,
Lulu Support Management
Dear Customer,
Thank you for your letter. We value your opinions and want to assist you with any questions or issues you have regarding Lulu and Lulu’s services. Your feedback has told us that our current system is not effective enough to provide you with quality support. In an effort to streamline our support services and respond to your issues more efficiently, we are discontinuing the use of this email address, and have implemented a new support system that uses online Support Forms instead.
IF YOU ALREADY HAVE AN OPEN SUPPORT TICKET in our system, please submit a new Support Form, and include your Existing Ticket ID on that Form.
The Existing Ticket ID is the LTK###########X number found in the subject, or body of your previously received email.
Please use the link below to create a new Support Form.
http://www.lulu.com/help/email_support.php
Please choose a Support Form that closely resembles the problem you are having. In order for us to continue working on your existing ticket, you must include an Existing Ticket ID on that Form. This will help us to continue working on your existing support ticket from its place in the prior system.
Please visit our Help pages for helpful information regarding the Lulu processes. If you are unable to find the answer you need there please submit your request through our Support forms, http://www.lulu.com/help/email_support.php. The forms enable us to route your issue to the correct team for efficient resolution.
We apologize for the inconvenience. The following email addresses are no longer manned or responded to by Lulu Support.
orders@lulu.com
remission@lulu.com
royalties@lulu.com
distro@lulu.com
amazon-mktuk@lulu.com
royalty-taxes@lulu.com
ukorders@lulu.com
retailprice@lulu.com
sspromanual@lulu.com
deutschesPBY@lulu.com
PBYnederland@lulu.com
servicessupport@lulu.com
luluservices@lulu.com
ukpby@lulu.com
colorquality@lulu.com
artfailure@lulu.com
service-convert@lulu.com
spamwarning@lulu.com
assistenza@lulu.com
ayuda@lulu.com
aide@lulu.com
kundendienst@lulu.com
klantendienst@lulu.com
legaldeposit@lulu.com
marketme@lulu.com
spinespecs@lulu.com
pubeasy@lulu.com
google@lulu.com
PCN@lulu.com
pricingquestions@lulu.com
serviceemails@lulu.com
prezzi_stampa@lulu.com
questions-tarifs@lulu.com
nieuwetarieven@lulu.com
neuepreise@lulu.com
preguntasprecios@lulu.com
distroservices@lulu.com
support_portal@lulu.com
luluservicesuk@lulu.com
digest@poetry.com
liveperson@lulu.com
Thank you,
Lulu Support Management
My reply:
Dear LuLu Support Management,
Are you aware that the link you’re telling me to follow for assistance puts me right back where I started and that it was by filling out the so-called support form that resulted in me receiving this email from you in the first place? Of course you are. It’s the ol’ loopty loop. What better way to tell your “customers” that you despise them for needing help with your miserably inadequate “service?” That’s quite a long list of email addresses you provided to tell your customers all the different ways they will NOT be able to reach you from now on. Are you sure you named them all? Douchebags@lulu.com wasn’t on the list.
Sincerely,
Customer