Brand Candor

I’ve been wondering why Thesaurus.com has taken a turn for the lame recently. A truewriter shouldn’t need a thesaurus–but a braindead, sleep deprived one with a baby really does! When my mind draws a blank (pretty much all the time), I would just hop over to thesaurus.com for a multitude of word choice options. But those days are over. To continue the illusion of a big (Big. See, that’s the best I could do without a thesaurus) vocabulary they want me to suscribe to their premiumservice. But after the Vista Print debacle I hesitate subscribing to anything anymore. Guess I’ll have to actually use a real thesaurus again, if I even still have one. Like, the kind in a book, with pages, that you turn.

In the grand American tradition of “fat evangelism”, and with the Chinese palate already nicely warped by McDonalds and the makers of KFC, now Kraft has shown China yet another way to achieve the portly American physique: cookies and milk! Apparently, the Chinese hadn’t yet paired the two. For one, they’ve never been big milk drinkers, and seem to have been getting along just fine without it. And they like their cookies on the dry and plain side: biscuits, if you will. But these dietary preferences don’t benefit the likes of Kraft so the big corporate serving spoon busted over to China to whip them into shape–with more than just measured success! After extensive grassroots efforts, tireless training, and a recipe Kraft specially tweaked to withstand the cultural divide, now China just loves Oreos, and milk! We’re so relieved…

I wonder what would happen if Kraft channeled these same powers of persuasion to convince China to use cleaner burning fuels?

Unilever’s front man on the issue, Gary Sheath, defends the corporation against Green Peace’s allegations that Unilever is partaking in the mass destruction of Indonesia’s rain forests due to the production of palm oil. [Unilever makes bath and shower products, such as Dove soap]. Apparently, Green Peace is way off base, and Sheath really sets the issue straight here. ”The problem”, he says, “is simply that the demand of palm oil has exploded”.

[Oh, and we thought the problem was corporations like Unilever killing the forest to get the oil.]

But even though Unilever admittedly shares blame with China, India, and the energy industry, Unilever actually seems to be the most remorseful of the bunch–so much so that they chair the RSPO (Roundtable on Sustainable Palm Oil). The purpose of this committee is to strive toward sustainability solutions for palm oil, and to achieve complete universal agreement on the matter.

[It doesn't take the formal convening of a roundtable to solve the problem: just do the right thing and stop using palm oil for stuff, A-hole.]

“It is essential that all those involved sign up to agreed criteria to make sustainability work on the ground - but this is not an easy process and is taking longer than we would all like.”

[So, basically he means, "In the meantime, we'll just keep doing what we're doing because it's really just the thought that counts, right?"]

Not surprising, Unilever is the maker of Axe shower products–the chick magnet [yeah, right] and now more fitting to its name, the mortal enemy of trees.

Comcast is getting help to make the Golf Channel even better. I mean, can it get any better? It’s already so riveting, with all that thrill-inspiring, jaw-dropping, electrifying…golf. The Versus channel will also be getting a revamp. At least with hockey there’s something to work with: a fast-paced, violent sport has better chance at winning new viewers. With golf, you’re either into it or you’re not. This will be the challenge of Mike Weisman, who will be working his magic for these two Comcast networks. Who better for the job? He also produces baseball, America’s second most boring spectator sport.

Well, hello there…

…to the new MD at WK Amsterdam: Lee Newman.

Agency news of hires, fires, and retires is usually snoozeville, but this one caught my eye. Though his photo is quite…fetching, let’s not judge. Being a man, he probably actually was chosen based on talent and experience alone–and not because he happens to also be a bit on the hot side. Some people just got it going on, while most of the rest of us get to spend more time “building character”.

This guy didn’t even have to throw himself onto Dave Luhr’s windshield to get attention (of course, no one would actually consider such a thing!). The WK CEO was not only already admiring Newman’s career path from afar, but has been ”hoping we could find the right opportunity for him.”

Must be nice! Imagine having award-winning agencies seek you out for bad ass jobs–instead of a bonfire of rejection letters that can be seen from space.  

Just a follow up to my recent post about Vista Print. Turns out, I’m not the only one who has been taken by them. Check out this list. They have sure been busy! There’s no such thing as a free lunch, or free business cards, especially from Vista Print.

Linens-n-Things is on track for Chapter 11, so use those gift cards while you can. They might not work after the bankruptcy. And they definitely won’t work at Bed Bath & Beyond. I know someone who tried to use a Linens-n-Things coupon there recently, because he didn’t know the difference between the two retailers of sheets and towels. I don’t either. Someone asked me directions recently and I told them, “It’s right there next to the Linens…and Beyond…or whatever. You know what I mean.” Maybe that’s part of Linens’ problem. Weak brand identity.

Not really. But that’s the word used in the class action lawsuit instigated by iMac user Chandra Sanders. Apple’s failure to deliver every last one of the promised ”millions of colors” on its 20 inch desktop computer has proven to be “crippling” for users editing photos and video. Crippling? Really? How crippling? Are we talking charley horse, or buzz saw to the legs? Is it crippling in the same way frivolous lawsuits are to our legal system? How about just returning the computer? Or an exchange for another one? Or sell it, get one you like, and quitcherbitchin. I’m sure there are many more “millions” of users who understand the expression “millions” for what it is. People like Chandra Sanders are the terror of any company’s legal, and the pee in the punch for marketing. It’s people like her who cause campaigns to run like this:

Marketing: Wow! Our product is amazing! We want the world to know of its grand splendor!
Legal: The [product] doesn’t do anything. Actually, it barely exists. [Product]? What [product]?

People like Chandra Sanders are the reason for the senseless killing of so many innocent taglines before they’ve even been given life.  Talk about crippling…

It’s already a popular mixer with vodka and with Jager in bars and nightclubs, but now Red Bull will soon be consumed as yet another popular cocktail:  rum and coke. Slowly taking over the bartender’s recipe book one drink at a time…

These unscrupulous pricks have been charging my credit card $14.95 a month for who knows how long (I haven’t waded through the transaction history yet), for some kind of Vista Print “rewards” program. There is no way, on my starving writer’s budget, I would ever have knowingly opted in for such a thing. They must have slipped it in with a sneaky check box you have to UNCHECK to opt out, otherwise you’re automatically enrolled. AND, I have yet to be rewarded in any way! Don’t do business with these thieves. And check your credit card statements regularly because this is not the first time this has happened to me with an online service. Years ago, after I signed up for the “Gold” membership on classmates.com, my credit card was billed for a series of “savings” programs for shopping and travel. Companies like this are no better than lowlife, back alley pickpockets.